To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. Ralph Waldo Emerson, American writer (b. 1803)

In Lesson One, You Will Learn:

• How to improve your communication skills.
• Why you should prioritize your responsibilities.
• The best ways to resolve conflicts.
• How to remember names.
• How to improve relationships with your friends and children.
• That average is not a bad word.

   If you have completed the chapter assignments and have begun to integrate the Action Principles into your personal life philosophy, you are well on your way to mastering success. The simple changes and adjustments that you are making in your attitudes and actions are beginning to reward you with the pride and power of accomplishment. You can see a better life. This will not be a solitary life lived as a monk in a mountain cave. You have chosen a rich, full, rewarding, action packed life filled with people. Everything you need, people around you can give you: love, money, respect, companionship, fulfillment and the reasons to challenge yourself to be your best. Your personal relationships then become very important. Be prepared. Controlling and developing your personal relationships to a master’s level will take your emotional intelligence, your patience and your selflessness. Again, take your time and add your own Action Principles.

   Personal relationships are more important than money or things. A happy marriage and a happy family are worth everything. Pope John Paul II teaches, "The family is the basic cell of society. It is the cradle of life and love, the place in which the individual is born and grows. Mankind’s future is determined in the family."

To prepare yourself to master your relationships, you must humbly accept your limited ability to change others.

   You stand to gain much more by being empathetic or trying to see things through others’ eyes. What do your husband, wife, children, employees or customers want? What are their goals? Are you helping or hindering them? Don’t guess or presume. Ask them. The easiest way to bond with a person is to focus on their wants and needs. Do what they want or listen for clues that can lead to compromise. The American President Theodore Roosevelt said, "The most important ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people."

Exercise    Try this little experiment. During your quiet time today, imagine that you were told that you only had one more day to live. How would you prepare yourself? What would you try to accomplish? Who would you try to meet? What would you say to them? With whom would you like to make amends? The follow-up to this experiment will be discussed at the end of this chapter.

Communication Is The Key

   To have an effective conversation you have to be willing to listen. Follow Socrates’ advice and listen twice as often as you talk. Use two ears and one mouth. Winston Churchill said much the same, "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." Or, if your prefer, mimic the actor John Wayne who said, "Talk low, talk slow, and don’t say too much." Empress Catherine The Great of Russia ruled by this credo "I praise loudly. I blame softly." An old American proverb goes, "Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence."

   The word communication comes from the Latin word "cumminico" meaning "to share." Pay attention. Be aware of body language. Give and expect respect. Be open and flexible. Don’t wait for the other party to be positive. Be positive first. Be unafraid of the consequences of truth, sincerity and honesty. There is an Arabian proverb that says, "Examine what is said, not the one who speaks."

   You must work to create an environment for relationship building. Regardless of individual commitments, families should find opportunities for everyone to be together for home cooked meals at least several times per week. For families with school age children, the goal should be for the children to eat with one or both parents every day. This should be considered quality family time. Positive conversation should be stressed. There should be no moaning, complaining or rushing to be excused. Rules for good manners and mutual respect should be mandated. The telephone answering machine should be on and the television off. No books, headphones or video game players are allowed. This family bonding should be extended to outings and vacations. The message should be loud and clear, "We care about you and what you have to say."

   Sixteen hundred years ago, St. Augustine, one of history’s most influential thinkers, wrote "People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering."

   How you relate to other people does not usually change with circumstance. Just as family cohesiveness and relations are taken seriously at home, the same team building should be a priority at work. Managers should set up formal and informal meeting opportunities. The boss doesn’t always have to act like the boss. Creative suggestions should be encouraged and rewarded. Constructive criticisms should be acknowledged and problems dealt with when they are small. Employees should feel both appreciated and an integral part of the whole. The importance of customer relations in building loyalty should be stressed.

   As a member of the Master Success System, be prepared to take the lead. An "I love you" to a family member, a "Nice job" to an employee and a "Thank you" to a customer can go a long way toward building and maintaining solid relationships. At home, a single rose, a handwritten note, an unexpected toy can bond. At work, a raise or bonus or day off can make an employee feel wanted. To a customer, an extra service or a special price can create a positive relationship conducive to repeat business. This would please Mother Teresa who said, "Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless."

When Communication Fails


   Still, in the real world, small gestures and platitudes may not always be enough. You are always dealing with individuals with individual agendas beyond your control. A family member may engage in destructive behavior. An employee may demand wages and benefits beyond your ability to comply. Some customers can not be satisfied.

Keeping lines of communication continually open gives you the opportunity for early intervention.

   On rare occasions, even with patience and reason, all you may be able to do is to restate your position, set limits, and outline possible consequences. Finally, you may have no recourse except to back off. Your forceful persuasion may be elegant and cathartic to you but will probably do little to change someone who is unmotivated to change himself or herself.

   Broken marriages, alienated children, lost friends and failed business deals can often be traced back to poor communication. Somebody wasn’t listening to what somebody else was saying. If your listener is lazy, distracted, disinterested or absorbed by his or her own side issues, little effective communication is likely to take place. Likewise, if your arguments are seen as false, disorganized or prejudiced, they will tend to fall on deaf ears. There are those who actively seek to listen and learn. There are those who are self-absorbed and want to hear nothing. There are those who pretend sincerity but inside they are actually dismissive of your advice. You can only let them know that if and when they are ready to commit to constructive dialogue that you are always ready to talk reasonably and seek compromises that do not infringe on your values.

   You will listen. You will try to help. You will promote reconciliation. You will make reasonable accommodations to their personal likes and dislikes. You will repeat how interested you are in a sound relationship in which all parties benefit and no one is injured. If you are wrong, you will admit it immediately and ask for forgiveness. If you are wronged, you will do your best to forgive and forget quickly. Five hundred years before Christ, Confucius said, "To be wronged is nothing — unless you continue to remember it." There is a Chinese proverb that states, "Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own." There is an Irish proverb which goes, "May you never forget wheat is worth remembering, or remember what is best forgotten."

The long-term relationship is almost always more important than the short-term problem.

   Until you can retire on your savings, pensions and investments, your free social time will be limited. You must be able to divide this time wisely. Although many demands on your time will be urgent, you must also plan for the important. Little in your life will affect your overall well being more than building and maintaining strong personal relationships. Take a minute to write down the names of those in your social circle.

   As parents, teachers, supervisors, we might not need always find it so necessary to impose our point of view. Mother Teresa shows us an ideal, "There should be less talk; a preaching point is not a meeting point. What do you do then? Take a broom and clean someone’s house. That says enough." Again, our example says so much more than our words.

Prioritize your responsibilities


   Your list might look like this:

1. Spouse	2. Children	3. Parents
4. Grandparents	5. Brothers/Sisters	6. In-laws
7. Cousins, Aunts and Uncles	8. Friends	9. Co-workers
10. Neighbors	11. Church members	12. Club members
13. Others

   Now, you have a frame of reference for making decisions. For example, taking your family on a weekend get-away would be more important than a fishing trip with the guys from work. Taking your elderly mother shopping would be more important than helping your neighbor fix his car. These may not be the activities that you would prefer to do. These are the activities that you should be doing. The less needy you are the stronger your relationships may become. Start enjoying your trips to the bookstore and reading with the kids rather than always rushing to the golf course. Go to your neighbor’s barbecue and ask if you can bring your sister who doesn’t get many chances to go out on her own. You can still play golf. You can still have a drink after work with the gang. Just put your needs in their appropriate place. Be the best you. Two thousand years ago, the Roman poet Ovid had already figured out the secret to mastering relationships, "To be loved, be lovable."

   As you work toward becoming a Master of Success, consider the following words from former U.S. Navy Admiral Hyman Rickover, "Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people."

How To Resolve Conflict

   To resolve a problem you must first confront the problem. Face the challenge. This simple act may require the most courage. To admit that you may be the offending party or at least partially responsible for the trouble is significant. How do you choose to handle criticism? Do you automatically fight or listen? Do you stop to consider the qualifications and motives of your critic? Are you able to stop and calmly restate your position? Attack the argument and not the person. Are you looking for solutions or to cast blame? Be serious and concise in stating your opinions. Don’t rush. Get all the facts before you reach a decision. Don’t argue in public. The historian Will Durant wrote, "One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say."

   You can learn an awful lot with your mouth closed and your ears open. Think about all the time and anguish you’ll save by listening and immediately finding common ground on which to compromise. What does the other party consider a satisfactory resolution? If you ask and listen, the solution offered may be milder than you had imagined. Endeavor to keep lines of communication open.

   There is a Danish proverb, which says, "Wise men do not quarrel with each other." Arguing often makes the other party become more defensive and want to dig-in and prevail. Take a time out. Figure out what is important to the other party. Is there a hidden agenda? Try to see the other person’s side. Look for points of specific agreement and disagreement. Keep the discussion focused on the key issues. Are you both working from the same set of facts? May a third party be helpful in offering suggestions to resolve the conflict? Plant seeds based on your ideas. Remain calm and positive. Speak with respect. Don’t be condescending. Look for compromise but when you’re right, stand your ground. Decide. Smile. Move on. Someone has to be the bigger person and it can be you. You can’t make peace without talking to your enemy. Say a prayer each day for all of the blessings that you have been given in life. Concentrate on what is right rather than who is right. Gerald Nierenberg, a negotiation expert, advises us, "The purpose of good negotiation is not how to divide the remaining slice of pie. The purpose is to make more pie for everyone." The American Civil Rights Leader Rev. Jesse Jackson teaches, "Leadership has a harder job to do than just choose sides. It must bring sides together."

   How far will you go to find harmony in your relationships? Can you flip a coin, share, give in, negotiate, take turns, agree, apologize, laugh, accept a mediator or pray?

   Aristotle taught, "Anyone can become angry — that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not easy."

Set Your Personal Boundaries

   You don’t have to put up with it. Who said that you should be a victim?

   What is your threshold for inappropriate behavior? At home and at work, you have every right to establish limits to behaviors that you will not tolerate. These are your personal boundaries. Your children and subordinates should know these boundaries and you hope that your peers would not need to find them out. If anyone crosses the line, you should stop him or her immediately, explain your position and thank them for complying. If the behavior persists or reoccurs, you must demand that it stop. In a work situation, you should walk away and, if appropriate, report the incident. With children, there should be appropriate discipline. Your word must mean something.

   Stick to your religious beliefs and to the Action Principles. You know the right thing to do. Do it. Do it for yourself and for those you love.

Relationships With Friends

   The Roman Philosopher Epicurus observed, "Of all means which wisdom uses to ensure happiness throughout the whole of life, by far the most important is the acquisition of friends." You can be happy with a few good friends. You can be happy with a few good acquaintances. Being a friend presumes a commitment while being an acquaintance does not. You do favors for friends. There is an Arabian proverb, which says, "A friend is known when needed." You consider doing favors for acquaintances. You want to listen to friends. You can excuse yourself with acquaintances. You must overlook weaknesses in friends. You can replace acquaintances. There is a Japanese proverb that says, "There is no better mirror than an old friend." Twenty four hundred years ago, Aristotle taught, "Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant."

   You may hate going to funerals and hospitals and lending money but you will do it all for a friend. Most people do not forget your acts of kindness toward them in their moments of need.

   Some people need the strong emotional support of long friendships. They would feel lost without another kindred soul to discuss the highs and lows of life. They share their lives. Other quite happy people might find this close emotional bonding intrusive. They are quite content with acquaintance type relationships. They prefer a more private introspective lifestyle. They like to fish by themselves. They like to take a book to the park. They like to golf with the boys but don’t want to be invited to the boys’ grandson’s birthday party. They are quieter people.

   With your friends, remember this Swedish proverb, "Shared joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow."

How To Remember Names

   A good way to start making new friends is to get better at remembering names. People love the sound of their own name. Be known for your ability to remember names. With a little practice, it isn’t that difficult. It will become a habit that can take you a long way. To remember a name, you must first hear the name. If you don’t catch the name during the introduction, immediately ask to have the name repeated. Again, this isn’t embarrassing to anyone, since people like the sound of their own name. As you shake hands, say the name, "My pleasure to meet you Roberto. I’m Bill." Try and say the name several times during your conversation. Before you leave this person, use this opportunity to give him one of your businesscards and to repeat his name again. "Roberto, before you go, I’d like to give you one of my cards." If he has a card, he will now give you one. "Thank you, Roberto. Is your e-mail address on the card?" This is the 21st century. When we want to establish networks, the easiest way is e-mail.

   Since you will have a computer, you will want to use a contact manager program. This is an electronic version of an address book. Get in the habit of regularly recording the info from any new businesscards into your database. This will reinforce the name and face. If you are in a business where you may be exchanging a lot of cards, you may wish to invest in a small businesscard scanner. Just hearing and repeating names will take you a long way. Be prepared. Your friends will frequently ask to tap your extraordinary memory. And, you will have lots more friends.

Relationships With Children

   Raising independent, mature, well-mannered children is one of life’s great challenges. The Action Principles will provide the roots and wings. You must provide a strong moral and spiritual platform from which your children can grow. You must raise your children to become independent and self-reliant. You must work with them to develop a strong self-image based on a strong moral code. You do this with realistic praise and encouragement. You avoid false preaching and put-downs. Nothing will mean more than your good example. German Theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote, "The ultimate test of a moral society is the kind of world it leaves to its children."

   The most important single thing that a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

   Sometimes it may be tough to bring the entire family to weekly religious services. You go anyway. You can only pity the poor child who must face life’s challenges without a belief in God channeled through a strong parental example. Correcting your children’s manners over and over again can get tedious. You do it anyway. Well-mannered children are welcomed anywhere and people do notice.

   Every parent has the same problems and challenges. There is an old Yiddish saying that goes, "Small children don’t let you sleep. Big children don’t let you rest."

Parenting Isn’t Bargaining

   Stop apologizing and making excuses for your children. Set limits and let them know the consequences for exceeding those limits. Meaning what you say is not being mean. If you aren’t in charge, then every interaction between you and your child will dissolve into a deal making confrontation. They will only do one thing if you allow another. You will no longer be parenting but bargaining.

   There is little doubt that giving your children everything cripples them. Just as you are tough, you can make your kids tough. If you have everything, you respect nothing. If nothing is ever hard to do, you can never become strong. Children should be given jobs and responsibilities with corresponding rewards and punishments as early as possible. A three-year-old can pick up his toys. A five-year-old can help carry the beach chairs to the car. A seven-year-old can make her bed and hang up her clothes. A ten-year-old can rake leaves and shovel snow. A sixteen-year-old can get a part time job. If a job is not done or not done satisfactorily, just as in the real world that they will inherit, there should be repercussions. You don’t go to the mall. Your friend can’t come for a sleepover. The repercussions should be simple and immediate. If you make and stick with your policies when the children are three years old, you will have many fewer problems when they are thirteen.

   On occasion, you may have to discipline a child in public. This is almost unavoidable. Your long-term relationship with your well-behaved child is much more important than suffering the two-second sarcastic sneers of a few strangers who want to side with your child and make you feel like an abuser. Many more people will silently applaud and understand your firm verbal reaction to a child’s inappropriate behavior. The world and your child will thank you later.

   Teenagers may talk back to you once in awhile. Within reasonable limits, this is part of growing up and showing independence. Compromising between your fashion and entertainment sense and theirs is reasonable. Tardiness, foul language and a disregard for one’s own possessions are not signs of adolescence or of any other age category. They are signs of the lazy and undisciplined. Well before the age of thirteen, clean clothes properly stored in a clean room and answering when called should be unspoken expectations.

   No well-behaved child at any age should be allowed to talk back or shout at a parent or other elder. If a child asks to do something and you say no ten times and then yes the eleventh time, you will pay for the rest of your own life. Your word will mean little. Your future influence will be minimal. Your child will be in for a rude awakening and a very unpleasant life in the real world. You are condemning this child to a miserable life. He will be forever unsatisfied and probably unpopular.

   Sixteen hundred years ago, St. Augustine preached, "In doing what we ought we deserve no praise, because it is our duty."


Balance Children’s Activities

   Children don’t have to be involved in three or four sports. Pick one. How about taking music or art or acting lessons? How about encouraging a child to volunteer? How about scouting? How about helping a child who wants to start a little business? A child can miss a soccer game if there is a greater benefit to the family as a whole. The child learns to sacrifice, to give and learns the high value placed on family. Family also means eating meals together with the television off and not grazing over snack foods and cereal.

   Consider also coordinating children’s activities so that during one quarter of the year all of the family is off on weekends and the family can take mini-vacations and trips on those free weekends. Get physical with walking, hiking, camping, boating and biking. Get cultural with museums, concerts, historical and travel tours. It can be done with planning.

   Through your example, teach your children to respect their elders. Most adults are kind and would help your child in time of need. Most teachers and youth counselors are devoted to their careers, which means helping your children be all that they can be. If you want safe children, make them aware, and unafraid to confide in adults.

Action Challenge Support the AP Store    The Action Principles are your principles. The American Success Institute is your organization. Please support our work by buying your books, posters, music, apparel and other good stuff from our AP Store. You’ll be helping yourself as you help us and help others. Nothing happens without you.

Average Is Not A Bad Word

   Don’t force your aspirations on your children. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If you and your spouse didn’t get all A(s) in school why should your children? Encourage your children to do their best and let them know that their best is good enough.

   If all the kids in the school are getting A(s) and B(s), this doesn’t mean that the school is exemplary or that all the children in that school are miraculously superior to the norm. It only means that the grading policies are lax and that the children may be getting falsely inflated egos.

   Every child who takes a test doesn’t deserve a good grade. Every child who waddles onto a playing field doesn’t deserve a trophy. Honesty and a dose of competition will serve them much better than false praise. Self-esteem is not an award. Without adult intervention, by age ten, children already know athletic, neat, funny and good looking from lazy, sloppy, boring and sarcastic. They know a real award from a gift. They are already making their own choices.

   Any child over the age of reason already knows not to walk in front of buses, swallow gasoline, bring weapons to school and jump from tall buildings. They also know not to take drugs, smoke cigarettes, abuse alcohol, speed in cars and engage in pre-marital sex. You don’t have to tell them what they already know a thousand times. That would be easy if it worked. It doesn’t work. What does work is your parental example, your values, your faith, your love and your involvement in their lives. Be there for them. Help them build the self-confidence to resist unwanted peer and societal pressures. Dare to be there for your children.

   The average American child will have spent more time watching television before he goes to first grade than he will spend speaking with his father over the course of his entire lifetime. Fifty percent of children have television in their rooms and watch an average of twenty-eight hours of programs each week. Now add in more hours of telephone, video game and Internet time. You’ve got to start very young to help your children become selective in choosing positive activities over idle behavior. There is nothing wrong with a few hours of television or telephone or video games or Internet, but only after chores and homework and reading. Lead your children by example to make the right choices. The American author James Baldwin observed, "Children have never been very good at listening to what their parents tell them but they never fail to imitate them."

   Where and from whom are your children learning about good music, art, literature, food and theater? Who is teaching them about the environment and conservation? How are they being introduced to the importance of kindness and generosity? To whom have you entrusted your children’s character development? Teaching values by word and example is a parent’s responsibility. Add your values to this short list.

A Short List Of Universal Values

Courage	Loyalty	Trustworthiness	Respect
Kindness	Generosity	Discipline	Courtesy
Neatness	Thrift	Friendship	Determination
Persistence	Hard Work	Achievement	Punctuality
Pride	Responsibility	Reverence

   Children must also learn shame and regret when they are at fault especially concerning the feelings of others. As you treat your children, so will they become.

   If you really want a superior child, instill in them a love of reading. Children read in families where they see the parents reading. Reading should be done in a place with minimal distraction without television or radio. Set a goal for your family reading time and then stick to it. Thirty minutes to forty minutes per day is reasonable. Make reading a family priority. When your family travels, everyone brings a book.

   Give your children the opportunity to prove themselves. Don’t deprive them of the joy of accomplishment. Make them work and they’ll learn to appreciate more in their lives. Allow them to learn from their mistakes.

   There is no time to wait. A lazy, ill-mannered child will not be able to compete globally. The advantages that some parents think that they are giving their children will fall woefully short if that child lacks character and self-discipline. Take the tough stands early. If your children learn the value of hard work and generosity, they will soar. Their lives will be happy. A twelve-year-old is old enough to understand and follow the Action Principles. A teen-ager can benefit from reading this book and the Master Success System.

   Raising great kids will affect generations to come. Remain calm. Give your children the best gift you can — your time. When children are raised to be happy, content and self-reliant, they realize that doing good helps others and themselves.

   If you raise your children according to a religious tradition, and you set a proper example, a wonderful thing will happen. You won’t have to worry so much about them. They will be self-reliant, well mannered and both goal and service oriented. They will have learned from you to make the right choices. You will see success. They will be your children.